They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
