There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
