Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
