I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
