Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
