i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
