why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
