her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
