dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
