I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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