I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
