You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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