The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
