No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
