Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
