The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
