is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
