Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
