Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
