i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
