I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
