So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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