Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
