He disabled his match.com account in front of me
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
