Jerry, you need to find god
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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