The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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