When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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