i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
