but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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