i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
