he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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