dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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