Dude my mom stole all your condoms
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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