It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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