Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
