I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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