"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
