i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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