she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
