I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
