So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
