Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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