Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I enjoy the company of your penis
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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