My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
