lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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