someone threw a dead crab at me
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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