none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
