I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
