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Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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