I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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