oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
