Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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