u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
i now understand why vodka
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
