someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Houston, we have a squirter
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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