i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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